THE FANFIC
by JenJenJen13
Summary: Have you ever wondered how Sun Ce, Zhou Yu, Gan Ning, and Ling Tong would react hearing they were subject of many a slash fanfiction? Well, we did. :D Rated R for yaoi, buttsecks, swear words and other bad content not right for the young'uns.


Ever wonder how Sun Ce and Zhou Yu would react, hearing they were slashed together? Well, we did.

By we, I mean, myself and my good buddy Arbee. XD She's a Sun Ce fan so we did a lovely collab putting our yaoi skillz to the test.

* * *

_One day, at the Sun Family Palace Hotel and Casino..._

Zhou Yu sat in his office reading the daily paper, occasionally taking a sip of coffee. The article he was reading was about the existence of a new video game...

Interesting. A new historical video game... I might tell Xiao Qiao about this, he thought, glancing up at the clock.

Any second now, Sun Ce would burst in with something crazy to tell him.

"HEY!" Sun Ce shouted, bursting inside Zhou Yu's office, brandishing a handful of papers. "Look what friggen Tong sent me! You gotta read this, buddy!"

Right on schedule. "What is it, Ce?" Zhou Yu sighed. "Is it another chain letter? Or a rick roll? You know I can't stand that Rick Astley song—"

Sun Ce chuckled, memories of the rick roll and all the fun that resulted returning. Then he remembered he was angry. Fixing a scowl on his face, he shoved the papers underneath Zhou Yu's nose. "It's this weird story! About us!"

Zhou Yu sighed, pushing his reading glasses further up his nose. "Hm."

* * *

_Zhou Yu caressed Sun Ce's cheek, stroking the older man's goatee with his thumb._

"_My beloved Sun Ce," he sighed, "You truly are the only man worthy of my love."_

_Sun Ce gazed at Zhou Yu, his chocolate brown eyes clouded with love. "Zhou Yu… you truly are my foundation… will you…"_

_Zhou Yu nodded, recognizing the familiar need written in Sun Ce's eyes. Whispering sweet things to his longtime friend and lover, he moved behind the Little Conqueror, gripping his Little Conqueror tightly. Sun Ce moaned, reaching behind him to grab his friend's hardness._

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL?" Zhou Yu asked, his eyes wide and fearful. He looked at Sun Ce. "Who wrote this garbage?"

Sun Ce rolled his eyes. "Tong says something underneath it…"

"_Is there anything you two would like to tell me?"_ Zhou Yu read, and made another face. "May that smartass burn in hell for this."

Sun Ce looked excited. "So, should I kill him, or do you want to help? I always knew he was weird but I didn't think he'd ever do something like this, EW—"

"He didn't write this, Sun Ce," Zhou Yu said flatly.

"Oh take his side, why don't you?" Sun Ce pouted.

Zhou Yu sighed. "Sun Ce, it's called _slash_. Horny fangirls write this garbage because they're not getting any in real life. They'd rather write about straight married men being in a homosexual relationship than seek out a heterosexual relationship of their own."

"In other words, Ce," Zhou Yu took his glasses off dramatically. "We are just pawns for the desires of fangirls."

Sun Ce made a face. "Ew. That's gross." He snatched the fan fiction off Zhou Yu's desk and studied it, glaring at Ling Tong's email letterhead. He scowled. "Can't we just pretend Tong wrote it? He lives a few blocks away, he'd be easy to go kill!"

"I suppose," Zhou Yu said thoughtfully.

"Then it's settled! Let's go!"

Zhou Yu gestured to the pile of paperwork on his desk.

Sun Ce scoffed. "I'm your boss, you're off work when I say you are."

Zhou Yu nodded. "Instead of hiding in shame, I agree that it's best to go kill that man and show him exactly who he's messing with." He stood up and made to follow Sun Ce outside.

Ce made a face, eying the fanfiction with great dislike. "By the way, how much did you read? No offense buddy, but I figured YOU'D be on the bottom, not me!"

"SHUT UP, CE," Zhou Yu growled. "Just kick Tong's ass when I say the word go!" With that, he snatched the fan fiction from Sun Ce's hand and ripped them into pieces.

* * *

Looking up at Nobunaga Towers, Sun Ce scowled. "Which apartment is Tong's again? Didn't he just move here last week?"

"He's on the second floor," Zhou Yu said, and the two friends scurried up the stairs. As expected, Ling Tong's apartment was easy to pick out of the line. His was the only one with two pink flamingos flanking the door.

Sun Ce eyed the flamingos with great dislike, and outright glared at the welcome mat. "'The party starts here'?" he asked incredulously. "Now I REALLY want to punch him! Let's get him!"

CRASH.

"HEY, TONG!" Sun Ce shouted, kicking down the door to Ling Tong's apartment. "Time to meet your maker, SUCKER!"

"I didn't say GO, Ce!" Zhou Yu hollered.

"HEY!" Ling Tong yelled, from the living room, "Ever hear of knocking, Ce, you stupid—OOF!" he grunted in pain, as Sun Ce tackled him and charged him into the kitchen.

"Ow!" Ling Tong yelled, ducking down with his arms over his head, "What, are you mad about that stupid story! I just sent it to you, I didn't write it or anything! You guys aren't THAT gay!"

"WHADDAYA MEAN THAT GAY!" Sun Ce shouted, furious. "Last time I checked, WE have wives!"

Zhou Yu walked over to Ling Tong, helping the younger man stand up. Right as Ling Tong stood up to his full height, Zhou Yu promptly punched him in the chest, knocking him backwards into the stove.

"Nice one, Yu!" Sun Ce said approvingly.

Zhou Yu smiled. "Let it be shown that I will never hit a fallen opponent."

"Geez you guys!" Ling Tong whined, his chest and back aching with pain, "I know you're not gay! I was kidding around, I saw some fantard wrote that on StoryFic and I figured I'd send it to you!"

Sun Ce grabbed Ling Tong by his collar and shook him furiously. "Like hell! You've probably got CDs filled with this crap, DON'T YOU!"

"No!" Ling Tong complained, batting Sun Ce's hands away from his shirt. He folded his arms. "You guys want to search the place? See if I care!"

"Could we?" Zhou Yu asked, "I'm sure it would calm Ce down some."

"Humph," Ling Tong scowled, rubbing his back and wincing. He glared at Sun Ce. "Nice shirt, asshole."

Sun Ce gave Ling Tong another shove for good riddance.

After searching the place, nothing else was found. As Ling Tong had pointed out, he hadn't been lying.

"No way! You've got a secret panel or something!" Sun Ce decided, feeling the wall.

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "Stop molesting my wall!"

"Easy, old friend. Tong's telling the truth," Zhou Yu said.

Sun Ce frowned. "I dunno… it's fun roughing Tong up, though…"

Ling Tong scowled, exasperated. "Don't you guys read! Go online, this crap's everywhere!"

Sun Ce's eyebrows shot up. "Really? SHOW ME!"

Ling Tong sighed. "They do it to everyone! You and Yu, Sun Quan and Zhou Tai, Shang Xiang and… well, pretty much everyone. She's the town whore when it comes to this stuff." He sat down in front of his laptop and typed something. "There you go."

Zhou Yu's eyes widened. "Holy mother of… who's responsible for this?"

"_Two in One_? _The Man Inside Me_? _Dreaming of Flames_?" Sun Ce read off, his eyebrows rising. "Who the hell thinks of this stuff?"

"_Spiteful Lovers_. The story of two enemies who become rivals who become friends who become lovers. Rated M for smut." Ce smirked. "Click that one, Yu!"And that he did.

* * *

_"I... I hate you!" Ling Tong shouted, gripping the bedsheets tightly, as sweat rolled down his face, dripping onto the bedspread._

_"Shut... up!" Each word was accentuated with a rough thrust. Ling Tong's body rocked, his knees sinking further into the mattress._

"_Hold still!" Gan Ning's gruff voice ordered, grabbing Ling Tong's waist and slamming his pelvis forward. Ling Tong grunted, his back arching. Gan Ning kept moving, slamming his hips into the younger man's body. Each slam caused the ex-pirate to moan Ling Tong's name loudly._

_Ling Tong moaned loudly, gripping the sheets tighter and burying his face in them. The throbbing pain inside him lessened and turned into a hot sensation...boiling and igniting both of their senses..._

(A/N: That in particular was my favorite part of this to write. XD)

* * *

Sun Ce and Zhou Yu exchanged glances, before bursting out laughing.

Ling Tong's face turned red. "HEY! Let's remember why they call this fan FICTION, okay!"

"I wonder, I wonder," Zhou Yu chuckled.

Sun Ce smirked. "Now you know how it feels! Being used as some stupid fan girl's personal wet dream!"

Ling Tong pouted. Zhou Yu laughed and patted his shoulder. "You're off the hook, Tong. Sorry about the door."

"Hey, speaking of Ning, isn't he good at pirating stuff?" Sun Ce asked. "Tracking down computers might not be his thing but I bet he could figure something out…"

* * *

Gan Ning burst out laughing. "You guys want me to find out who's writing gay fan fiction? No friggen way!"

Sun Ce scowled. "We expected resistance. We didn't want to have to do this, Ning, but you're asking for it. YU, WHIP IT OUT!"

Gan Ning's eyes widened, but luckily Sun Ce had other G-rated intentions. Zhou Yu produced the printed copy of "Spiteful Lovers" and thrust it at Gan Ning.

"You can't show him that! Who's going to help him with all the big words?" Ling Tong asked.

Gan Ning scowled and snatched the fic from Zhou Yu. "What the…" He read about two paragraphs before the color drained from his face. "Holy…" He read a little more and his face turned bright red. "Who the hell wrote this!"

Ling Tong made a face. "Well I don't know why everyone's looking at me." Nobody was.

"That's why we're here," Sun Ce scowled. "You find out."

Gan Ning nodded, a fire lit under his ass. "Alright, I'll find out whoever's doing this. Not because I care about you guys though! Whoever said I have a six inch dick is gonna pay!"

Sun Ce rolled his eyes. "Here I thought you'd be angry about the whole banging Tong in the ass thing, but whatever floats your boat, buddy!"

Gan Ning ignored him, still fuming about the small penis insinuations. "It's, like… six times bigger than that!"

"I'm sure it is," Zhou Yu sighed. "Will you hurry?"

Gan Ning brought up a few text documents, beginning to type some random code or whatever in.

"What's that?" Sun Ce asked, poking around Ning's desk. Gan Ning's desk was covered with anime figurines of little girls in cute poses. Without looking away from the computer, Gan Ning smacked Sun Ce's hand away from Might Might Maki. "Get your hands off her! She's my idol!"

"Hmph!" Sun Ce complained. "Find anything yet?"

"Nope… I… OH YEAH! Here we go!" GanNing said, sitting back triumphantly, cracking his knuckles. "I got a lock on where that me and Tong fic came from." Ling Tong whimpered. Gan Ning glared at him. "Don't be a baby. Anyway, the wi-fi connection's SX08. IP address is… 08-220-0821."

"Enough of the computarding! Just tell us the important parts!" Sun Ce interrupted.

Gan Ning shot Sun Ce a dirty look before continuing. "The wi-fi connection actually is pretty damn close. They're routed to the same wi-fi as everyone in this building."

"So whoever's doing this is living in Nobunaga Towers?" Sun Ce asked. "Sweet! Let's go get 'em!"

"Hang on, I think I can get a lock on what wi-fi hub the signal is registered to and find the address…" Gan Ning typed a few more things and brought up a chart.

"Is any of this legal?" Zhou Yu questioned.

"Define legal," Gan Ning replied. "Alright, here we go."

Ling Tong looked over Gan Ning's shoulder. "It's just across the hall from my place! We didn't even need you!"

Gan Ning scowled. "Don't you mock my profession!"

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "Yeah yeah, all hail Gan Ning. Let's go already!"

Sun Ce frowned. "Hey, wait... Tong, doesn't _Shang Xiang_ live across from you?"

Ling Tong thought for a second. "Does she? I haven't noticed. She doesn't come out of there very often if she does."

Sun Ce thought for a second. "As a matter of fact, she did take a few days off work. She might be sick or something…"

"Maybe Ning just sucks at hacking," Ling Tong suggested.

Gan Ning scowled. "You didn't say that when I got you that pirated porn you asked for!"

"Sorry if I offended you," Ling Tong said quickly.

Zhou Yu interrupted loudly. "Stop it you guys. Let's go pay a visit to her apartment, she's the one who started it!"

"YEAH! Let's go!" Sun Ce shouted. "Only the presence of an alien could manipulate my sweet little sister!"

* * *

Breaking into a running sprint, Sun Ce kicked the door to Sun Shang Xiang's apartment down, Chris Redfield style.

He fell right through the door. Turns out the door had a faulty latch.

"Ce?" Sun Shang Xiang asked incredulously, sitting up on the couch and staring at her older brother sprawled on the floor. "What're you doing here?" She had her laptop on her lap, holding a cup of coffee in her right hand.

"FREEZE! We have come for you, alien!" Zhou Yu yelled.

"DIE ALIEN SCUM!" Ling Tong shouted.

"What are you morons doing in here!" Sun Shang Xiang demanded, standing up.

Sun Ce took it a step further, grabbing his sister and swinging her around the living room Taizo Kotobuki style. "OY, you extraterrestrial pervert! Get outta my sister! GIANT SWING ATTACK!"

"OW! Get off me! I have no idea what you're talking about!" Sun Shang Xiang shouted angrily.

Gan Ning ignored the commotion and went over towards Sun Shang Xiang's laptop. "Hey, nice laptop, Shang Xiang! Is that the new Macbook?"

"Yep!" Sun Shang Xiang said proudly, shoving her brother away. "It's actually a—" Her eyes widened in fear. "OH NO! Get away from there, don't read that!"

Ling Tong scowled. "That pretty much says go ahead and read that!"

Sun Ce read aloud, shaking in fear.

* * *

"_My dear Ling Tong," Zhou Yu said, "You are truly the love of my life, but perhaps we shall indulge in some ravishing lovemaking with Sun Ce and Gan Ning tonight…"_

"_Sounds fine, but before that, I want you to take me now!"_

* * *

Sun Ce stared at his sister strangely.

"OH COME ON!" Ling Tong shouted. "Why am I ALWAYS on the bottom! I wanna be on top for once!"

Gan Ning laughed. "Dream big!"

Sun Shang Xiang groaned. "Fine. You guys caught me. I write slash fics about you guys and upload them to the internet to fulfill erotic fangirly fantasies. But it's just for fun! I don't really think you're gay!"

Zhou Yu sighed. "Shang Xiang, are you aware our reputations are ruined?"

Sun Shang Xiang folded her arms. "Oh don't be so dramatic! Your reputations are fine, it's just for fun!"

Ling Tong was reading the story, wearing an expression of fascination and horror.

"Are you still reading that?" Sun Ce exploded. "You friggen idiot, delete it before the FBI finds a way to track it down!"

Ling Tong shook his head, wide-eyed. "No way! It's like a car cash! It's horrible but I can't tear my eyes away!"

Zhou Yu winced. "My ass feels sore just thinking about it."

"Yeah, tell me about it. You think the first part is bad, try chapter 2," Ling Tong said with a wince.

Sun Ce sighed and patted his sister's back. "Just find a boyfriend already!"

Looking down at her shoes, Sun Shang Xiang pouted and gave her brother the bambi eyes. "I'm soweee, big bro…" Worked every time.

Sun Ce groaned. "Just quit the writing and come hang out with us!"

"We don't do anything conducive to the writing environment anyway," Zhou Yu added.

Sun Shang Xiang brightened. "Okay. Sounds good."

"I don't think so!" Gan Ning seethed, "Not until you apologize for saying I have a six incher! I'm way bigger than that!"

Sun Shang Xiang's eyebrows shot up. "Really!"

Sun Ce face palmed. "NING! SHUT UP!"

"Don't get her started!" Zhou Yu added.

"While we're on the subject actually, why was I always on the bottom?" Ling Tong pouted.

Sun Shang Xiang shrugged. "I never gave much thought to it."

Sun Ce face palmed again. "Let's go HOME, please?"

And then afterwards, the fic trauma days were over. The men returned to being men… and as for Sun Shang Xiang, well… she had a new fandom to look after.

* * *

_"Lord Mitsuhide," Ranmaru replied, as his hand slid down his chest. "Lord Mitsuhide... why are you..." Stroking an erection so _

_strongly made Ranmaru crave for more._

_"'Oh, Ranmaru," said Lord Mitsuhide—_

* * *

"SHANG XIANG! THAT HAD BETTER NOT BE TYPING I HEAR!" Sun Ce shouted.

Sun Shang Xiang winced, quickly saving her Word document and clicking out of it. "It's not! I was just, um… AIMing Tong!"

"Nice try! I'm over here!" Ling Tong shouted.

* * *

XD and there you go.


End file.
